About
Deep within the inner workings of Microsoft Excel — laboring tirelessly to calculate pivot tables, index-match functions, and unwieldy array formulas — are the Data Pups. Legend has it that the first Pups were part of the original code for Lotus 1-2-3; for decades since, they have worked, tails wagging, to enable the world’s financial infrastructure:
- Whenever an investment banker claimed a SaaS company with little to no competitive advantage could justify a 30x-revenue valuation, a Data Pup was there, with a data table showing what 40x and 50x could look like.
- When a junior actuary has calculated the likelihood of your refrigerator spontaneously catching fire and creating a total loss for your homeowner’s policy, a Data Pup has been there, with an estimate of the number of matches in your house.
- Any time a Big Four auditor does… whatever it is those guys do (stop asking us to justify our Las Vegas expense reports already), Data Pups are there, with a list of our missing hotel receipts.
But now, the Data Pups need our hel–
About, For Real
Okay, enough of that.
We’re a group of finance professionals called the Degenerate Crypto Financiers (DCF). We started Data Pups for one reason: Because we have huge chips on our shoulders.
You see, we’re not old, but we’re old school. We paid our dues in the world of money — we got MBAs, took a bunch of pointless gatekeeping exams, and memorized Excel keyboard shortcuts. We’re mid-career now, finally making decent cash. And, yet, young people who used their stimulus checks to YOLO some $GME call options and use the proceeds to acquire a bunch of monkey JPEGs are worth more than our bosses are.
You know what we say to that?
…
…
Freaking awesome. Good for you guys. Count us in, too.
FAQ
Q: How many Data Pups will be released?
A: During the initial launch, we will release between one and four per day, until 100 Pups have found suitable homes. Thereafter, we will release between five and 10 per week, and never more than two per day.
Q: Do you really make these in Microsoft Excel?
A: Do we sound like people who know how to write a script to create 10,000 permutations of an image template in Adobe Illustrator? Yes, we really do make these using nothing other than elbow grease, keyboard shortcuts, and half-baked VBA in the world’s finest spreadsheet platform.
Q: Do you have a Discord?
A: We have submitted a ticket to our corporate help desk to get Discord installed on our company-issued BlackBerry devices and anticipate a response within 90 days.
Q: Will there be Data Pups swag?
A: Sure. If the floor on OpenSea reaches 0.1 ETH by the time we have released our first 100 Pups, we will send customized Patagonia fleece vests to all owners. No joke.
Q: I’m with the marketing team for a legacy CPG/retail/energy company trying to look hip to a younger audience on social media. Can we do a sponsored Data Pup?
A: DM us on Twitter. For the right price, we’ll get our analyst to make you a custom one on the afternoon of the next major holiday that he expected to be able to take off from work.
Q: Really?
A: Our analyst has just informed us that he made $2M by converting last year’s annual bonus into a collection of Bored Apes and that he is now leaving for a role as managing director of something he smugly referred to as “BOFA.” We wish him well at Bank of America.